I didn’t plan to make it through May 4, 2015. It was the day of court with my daughter. Been to several court days over the past year. Fighting for her to receive the necessary treatment to help her through this phase of her life, consequences from her own choices. Countless, long, dark nights of not sleeping, but crying (me). Countless unreturned emails, unreturned phone calls from the Department of Juvenile Justice (me). Countless days wondering will she ever turn around, will she ever understand what’s she’s done, will she ever see the error of her ways, will she ever see how much I love her no matter what she does (me). Countless disappointments, let downs, being lied on, being talked about (me). All of these thoughts and feelings became overwhelming. They’ve been overwhelming and difficult for a long, consistent period of time.
May 4, 2015, around midnight, I was tired. I was at my lowest. I was at my breaking point. Being disappointed at this process and the length it’s taking to make just an inch of progress. I was done. Yes, God told me in the very beginning that no matter what I see to trust Him. But how much longer??? And I wanted so badly for all of this pain to end. I felt lonely. Even with my family, friends, faithful support system … yep, all of them, I felt lonely and unloved. No unloved by them, but by my daughter. That’s the love I seek after. That’s the love I seek for her to see and feel and understand. But the pain between the both of us is so great that it’s hard to see and feel love. After sitting in court and reading the court papers and listening to my daughter, whom I fought tooth and nail for all of her life, say that she has no desire to develop a relationship with me. Why am I here? Why am I fighting? She doesn’t want me in her life. I became weary. And this feeling comes after every single court day. I go to court to be stabbed in the same place every single time.
If you’ve been following my journey, you would know that I’ve been on a mission to do whatever my daughter needs to help her find her way to whatever it is she’s looking for at this moment. The hard part is I don’t even know what she wants! I was hoping family therapy would help us mend our broken relationship, but she declined family therapy. So now what the hell am I to do? I was at a very confused, lowly, unappreciated, unwanted state of mind. All of the blogging, all of the speaking, all of the helping others… all for nothing. And I’m still empty inside. How much can one person take?? How much more do I have to feel this pain?? My heart constantly aches and I still have to keep on working to pay the bills. I have to keep on living. I have to keep on keeping on. I was so tired. So I wanted it to end. May 4, 2015, I wanted to never wake up again. The tears were flowing rapidly. I was all alone in my room. I took two handfuls of sleeping pills. Just wanted to die. I felt so helpless. Nothing I did worked, it only made things worse. My love for my daughter is indescribable. She’s my everything and to see her in so much pain and not be able to help her or fix it … that is unbearable. So I didn’t expect to wake up on May 5, 2015. And I was OK with that decision.
But God had other plans. He woke me up despite all of those sleeping pills I took. I can’t tell you how long I was sleep; but all I know is when my eyes opened the next morning, at the same time I’ve always opened my eyes, I was renewed. I can’t explain it. I was still hurt. I was still disappointed. I was still in a place of unknown but very familiar territory (I’ve been in this place for a few years). I only told one person that I took those pills, well now I’m telling the world. But when I was in that low place, I only confided in one person (a few days after the incident). May 5, 2015 was a new day for me. And I’ve made up my mind in that moment my eyes opened and I realized I was still here, that I could never go back to that dark place ever again. God has a plan for my life and that was the moment I understood – yeah, I knew it before but I didn’t really know like I know now. When He woke me up, He said, if you die now, you will not see what I am going to do to and in you, to and in your daughter. God wants me to “see” this miracle!!!! So I wept but my cry changed from sadness to worship. I asked God to forgive me for trying to kill myself. I asked God to forgive me for doubting His Word and His promise over my life and my family’s life.
I didn’t go in to work the whole week. I needed to spend alone time to work on self-development. Work on my mind. Work on my spirit. Work on me. I have to be what my daughter needs when she’s in the place to receive it. She may not want it now, but she will. We will be reunited and that reunion is going to be great and grand and unbreakable – and through that reunion, others will be saved. All for the glory of God. It’s about servitude – but that’s another blog.
A few days ago, a good friend told me that I needed to listen to this song (attached below). She didn’t know what I had gone through the week before, she was just sharing. But I understood immediately why God orchestrated this whole thing and led me to this song from the very first line: “You thought I was worth saving, so You came and changed my life.”
Then the song goes on to say, “You thought I was worth keeping, so You cleaned me up inside. You thought I was to die for, so You sacrificed Your life. So I can be free, so I can be whole, so I can tell everyone I know.”
THAT is why God did not allow those sleeping pills to take effect AT ALL. God thought I was worth saving, He thought I was worth keeping, He thought I was to die for!!! Just the very thought that GOD thought enough of little ole me to save my life, I HAVE to live. I HAVE to tell the world that GOD is on the throne and He loves us. Even when we feel we are not worthy to be loved, God looks past all of that foolishness and says, “Yes, you are worthy to be loved because I love you.” No matter how many people mistreat you. No matter how many people lie on you. No matter how many people abuse you and take you for granted. GOD thought I was worth saving!!! God thinks you are worth saving! Therefore, Jesus took up my cross, your cross, and carried the weight of it so that in times when I’m feeling weary, and lonely, and tired and can’t go another day, Jesus bears the weight of my cross and strengthens me to go another day. I’m still here by the grace and love and sacrifice of my Father.
Please do not read this blog, and take my suicide attempt, and feel sorry for me. I’m not sharing this very dark and low place of my life, I’m not being transparent, I’m not being vulnerable to the world for your sympathy. I’ve made a commitment to this blog to be transparent, to be honest, to help someone who may be going through the same painful experience. I’m sharing simply because of the Love God Has For ME … and YOU. It’s my own thoughts that keep me bound, but God’s Word frees me from me. And, trust me, I didn’t surrender or allow God to save me. He did it because that’s just Who He is. He went against my will to die and said, “No dumb ass, you will live! You have work to do. Your work on this earth is not yet complete. Don’t go to the crucifixion of Jai just yet boo. It is not your time. So get up and get going.”
It doesn’t matter what I think of myself. It only matters what God thinks of me. So I’ll believe Him and His thoughts of me. Thank you for reading. My journey yet continues …
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version) – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message) – I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
Jeremiah 29:11 (King James Version) – For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Please listen to the words of this song! I promise you, you will be blessed. Just think about it. You are on God’s mind.