Have you ever been in a place so low, so down, so hurt, so broken, so confused, so dark, and really so alone? I have. Several times. One time, I was even suicidal. I planned it out. I was in my early 20’s. I had just been ridiculed and chastised in front of the entire church. My daughter was two years old at the time and I lived in a one bedroom apartment. One night, I went into the bathroom with a kitchen knife and closed the door behind me. My daughter was asleep on the living room couch. Tears falling down my face, I felt so hopeless, so alone, so unloved, and just plain tired of living. I wanted to end my life. I was going to slit my wrist and end it all. Standing there in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, eyes swollen from crying hysterically, knife held across my wrist. After being told over and over again that I will never be used by God; that I am a disgrace to the church … I began to believe those words. That I was damaged goods, beyond repair. So at that time, I was like, “what’s the point of living if all I’m ever going to be is miserable?”
Then I thought about my daughter. How innocent and beautiful she was. Her spirit was so loving and so kind and so gentle; and she came out of me! If I killed myself, who was going to raise her? Who was going to find me? I couldn’t leave my daughter and at that very moment, my daughter saved my life. She probably doesn’t even know that, and she’s now 18 years old! She saved my life. So when I’m questioned about why I fight for her the way I do?? Because she fought for me the way she did!
Every low moment, God always send an angel. He always sends a Word to lift me up. That Word could be in song, it could be a smile and/or hug from a close friend, it could be a kiss from my daughter, it could be His Spoken Word … God knows exactly how to deliver, when to deliver, and by what means to deliver! He knows me.
When I heard this song by Mrs. Tamela Mann, I swear the words were EXACTLY what I wanted to say right now today! Though what happened to me was years ago, I am now at the place where God is calling me to be healed. I’ve cried for the past week; then I heard this song come on. It was like my soul was saying these words to God Himself:
“Truth is I’m tired. Options are few. I’m trying to pray, but where are You? I’m all churched out, hurt and abused. I can’t fake what’s left to do.
Truth is I’m weak, no strength to fight. No tears to cry even if I tried. But still my soul refuses to die. One touch will change my life.
Take me to the King. I don’t have much to bring. My heart is torn in pieces, it’s my offering. Lay me at the throne. Leave me there alone, to gaze upon Your glory and sing to You this song. Please take me to the King.”
Anybody ever been so broken that all you could do with the little strength you have left is call out to God? I’ve been so down before, life had literally knocked the breath out of me, so much so that the only word I could utter was ‘Jesus’. And the most amazing thing is God hears my heart MORE than He hears the words that come out of my mouth. All I have to do is just call Him; He’s always there. All I have to do is surrender. Surrender the hurt, let go of the pain, cry it out, yell it out, spit it out, and give it over to God. That’s easier said than done when you’ve held on to it for so long.
Psalm 91:1-2 says, “(1) He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. (2) I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”
This scripture kept me last year. And I’ll blog about it eventually on the Mother and Daughter page (coming soon). But this scripture reminded me that when I’m feeling an unbearable pain; when I feel like I can’t breathe; when I’m just about to give up on life… I can go to our (God’s and mine) secret place. Only God and I know about this place. It’s our special place. Doubt can’t find it. Fear can’t find it. People and judgment can’t find it. It’s our secret place. There God will meet me. There God will comfort me. People judge me, but in our secret place, God never judges me. He accepts me for who I am, all of me, the good, bad, ugly, stanky, dirty, indifferent me. And He encompasses me with an unconditional love that gives me the strength to get out of bed the next morning.
This blog is not just for me today. I’m speaking to someone in particular. I don’t know who you are, but I was left here on this earth for this very moment in time, to share with you this very story. Right now, you don’t believe you are worthy enough of God’s love. You’re probably right. None of us are. But He loves us because of who He is. THAT is our saving grace. So let go and let God love on you. Practice it every day until it becomes a part of your life, a part of your make up, a part of you. And if you ever need someone to talk to who has been where you are, contact me. I, too, have a No Judgment Policy. Be blessed my friends. Rest in knowing that you are not alone. #TakemetotheKing
If you’ve never heard this song before, below is the link. Enjoy!