This day, twenty years ago, God blessed me with my darling girl. From day one, I called her “Boobie”. Now she’s probably going to get me for printing this to the world! It’s almost like I posted a naked baby picture, same effect LOL…. for the past three years, I’ve kept quiet about my baby girl and our challenging relationship. Though I’ve come out about my painful childhood past, that part of my life of motherhood, the most important part of my life, has been off limits. And still, I choose to protect her from public scrutiny. So I will not divulge anything right now. One day, when God says so… but for now, here’s the point of this blog: I want to share with you what giving birth to my baby girl has done for me.
My darling girl taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. She taught me how to be affectionate. She taught me how to be strong. She taught me how to believe God when believing God is all I have left. She taught me to never give up and always be flexible.
And never ever take “no” as the final answer…. “no” simply means “not now” or “not that way”. So keep going until there is a “yes”.
Over the past few years, my family and friends have been my anchor. Every mother’s day and every birthday had been the worst days of my life. When I would rather die because the pain was so unbearable, they would rally around me and hold me up. When I was too weak, they became my strength.
They met me in my dark place. They understood when to leave me be and when to push me out. They knew when to be gentle and when to be aggressive.
This whole month had been a month of panic attacks, anxiety attacks, deep depression, dark moments, and an all out fight just to keep going. For the past three years at least. But today, I literally felt God wrap His hand around my heart and I felt the weight of the love that I have for my baby girl!! The love I have for my baby girl is unmeasurable, too big to comprehend…. just as how God loves me and her both!
I am a writer, a creative soul, and yet words are not enough to express how much God loves us. I guess that really is the whole message here. No matter how far deep in the pit you think you are, God is right there. Holding you up… keeping you… protecting you… and one day, when we decide to let go of the pain… He is right there ready to put us back together again. Pain free.
So, to my very special baby girl on her 20th birthday, I write these words: The day God appointed me as your mother was the happiest day of my life. I’ve made countless mistakes along the way, but the love I have for you is unwavering, unbreakable, and unmeasurable. Until I no longer have breath in my body, I will always genuinely, unconditionally, and unapologetically love you with every fiber of my being. And there’s nothing you can do about it! My love is God’s gift to you, just as you are God’s gift to me. You changed my life! I am who I am today, walking in my purpose, able to love and be loved because you taught me how. And I can’t wait until the day I am able to wrap my arms around you again. Until then, I know you are safe in God’s care.
I dedicate this song to my sweet, precious Boobie!
This song came out when my daughter was a baby; and I used to sing it to her because every single word in this song expressed exactly how I felt then and how I feel now about my darling girl. She will always, always, always be my most prized blessing. That is all. #MattersofMyHeart
Mommy loves you!