If you’ve been reading my blogs (particularly the Mother & Daughter page), you know that I am in the midst of an emotional rollercoaster with my child. The pain is indescribable and it has been a living organism for almost two years. Constant. Every single day. No break. The best way I can attempt to describe it is someone taking my heart in their hands and squeezing it so hard that it oozes out between their fingers. That’s pretty descriptive huh? Well, I’ve been living this constant heartache for quite some time, so I’m quite familiar with it. So what keeps me getting up every morning? What keeps me from committing suicide? What keeps me on the path of my God-ordained purpose to share with the world in this journey? I’m surrounded by a support group. This support group consists of individuals (less than five) who are committed and loyal to my wellness – the whole totality of ME. They cry with me, shout and scream with me, love me through the tough times, etc.
In the past, I would consider myself a hermit. I go through trying times and challenges silently. I shut down and shut everyone out. I deal with it alone. But this time with my child, I realized that I did not have the strength to do it alone. I NEEDED help. I have a standing appointment with a therapist, who is Christian-based. I said that only because it is important to go to a professional who has the same beliefs and values as you. That’s my opinion, and this is my blog, so I can say that. LOL … And I have my support group, who are also close friends of mine. I’ve known two of them for over ten years now.
Anyways, one of my supporters invited me to a Facebook prayer group. This prayer group reads God’s Word, post inspirational teachings or whatever may be on their hearts, and collective pray via phone conference. It’s a safe place for sharing. As reluctant as I was to accept the invitation in the beginning, this prayer group has really given me a different perspective of my situation and has encouraged me to go back to my roots – my faith in God. For so long, my faith in God has been challenged simply because of the horrific things that have happened in my life. So now I am in a place where I am learning the true meaning of faith and it happens to be during the same exact time I need it the most!
So one day, I posted a question to the group, and my supporter was the first to respond (that’s why she’s my supporter and great friend!) … and I just had to share with you!
-START OF CONVERSATION-
Question (me): God intends for us to extend the same peace to others as He extends to us. He gives us blessings to pass it along. Now my dilemma is what about the times when I’m broken, alone and confused? Yes, I experience moments when I’m overwhelmed with feelings of despair & pressures of life and peace is nowhere to be found. Then what? How can I give away the very thing I am in need of?
Answer (my friend): Jai, I have faced this question too many times!!! One Sunday morning on my way to service, I was tired, drained and in need of a miracle. And I kept praying “God I need you today and I need to experience you today, like for real!” Well, when I got there I ended up singing unexpectedly and helping other women in their time of need. In my emptiness, God blessed people through me. In my hour of need, God blessed people through me. In my tiredness, God blessed people through me. I was like “helloooooo…I am in need here!?!?!?”, yet I was reminded that when I yield myself to God (having a willingness and posture to serve) I will get what I need when I need it at the very moment I need it. It’s in these times that God’s strength is made perfect in my weakness. Because you operate in “the peace that passeth all understanding”, you will be able to offer God’s peace to others while tapping into it yourself. It’s tough but it’s obtainable.
-END OF CONVERSATION-
NOW do you see why she’s on my team? I told her I was posting this on my blog because we, male or female, often go through times when we are feeling down, helpless, weak, hopeless, angry, lost, hurt, lonely … did I miss anything? Those are the times we must continue to serve others. And in serving others, we are actually serving ourselves with the very thing that we are in need.
That is why I can’t give up. That is why I have to keep moving in the vein of servitude. Because I am in great need!
Just yesterday, I found out that my child “needs space” from me. At first, I was upset. I didn’t know what I did to deserve that. I just spent a whole day earlier this week (see Be Encouraged blog) crying all day because I missed her so much. Only to learn that she was blocking my calls, texts, emails on purpose. My next emotion was sadness and pain (again). I was disturbed. My mind was so troubled that I had to take two sleeping pills to force myself to sleep! But when I woke up this morning, these words screamed out of my soul, “I WILL TRUST GOD”. Now at this very moment of writing this blog, I am in a place of peace. I’m still hurt. My heart still aches. But I am standing on the promises of God. I am standing on His promise to me, “No matter what you see, Trust Me.” And so it shall be. Through the tears, through the unknown, through the pain, through the hurt, through the hopelessness and helplessness, through this journey, through this process, I will trust God.
With servitude and gratitude,