“Either you know how to be in a relationship or you don’t. Simple as that.” – Miss D
During a conversation with a good, good girlfriend, Miss D, I had an epiphany about relationships. The gist of the conversation was that since my divorce, every relationship I have had was with a man who had been abandoned by his father, his mother or both. And how he handled or treated women was a reflection of that failed parental relationship. Sigh
**Disclaimer: I’m going to try to get through this blog without balling my eyes out.**
As a mother who is currently challenged with her own mother-daughter relationship, this topic on parenting is extremely sensitive to me. It hurts deeply. Period. And because I know personally how it feels to be separated from your child, I cannot imagine the amount of agony these mothers must have felt when they decided to give their children to someone else to raise, be it a relative or not. I empathize with both sides: from the mother and from the child. Neither is a win. Both are filled with hurt and emotional pain.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not judging the mothers. I am saying that I kind of understand. As a mother, you want what is best for your child(ren), and sometimes that is just not you. I know that is a harsh reality and some may not believe it. That is OK. You are allowed to believe what you want.
But deciding to give your child to someone whom you feel will do a better job at loving them can have life-long lasting consequences. In my experience with these men, they are unfaithful. They have multiple women with whom they have sex (often without a condom); they have broken many hearts; they will not settle down in a monogamous relationship; and have often fathered a crazy number of children by different women!
It’s cyclical. They were abandoned and yet they abandon others, particularly women. They don’t respect them because they don’t respect their mother. It wasn’t something that was taught to them in their upbringing; no matter how hard their guardians fought to make sure they feel loved and cared for. And consequently, they avoid touchy feely conversations. They avoid conversations where they have to express their innermost feelings. It is a defense mechanism they have developed over the years. They will not be vulnerable or transparent, unless they are intoxicated – liquor has a way of tearing down those guards.
And as far as fatherless men, they have the same traits. They, too, are unfaithful. Unfortunately, they have never seen a successful marriage where the man does not have side chicks. So how in the world can they be faithful? How in the world can they respect and love someone else more than themselves? How in the world can they be happy and content with one woman? How could they be a father that is positively active in their child(ren) lives?
I have, in rare instances, met fathers who did not have a father figure in their lives growing up, and decided that was enough to be a father that they have never had. I am not talking about those men. I know they exist. But I am specifically talking about those men who did not have that mentality to be and do better. They fell into the status quo – deadbeat dad is what society calls them. I call them hurt and abandoned.
This conversation can go on and on in so many different directions, because women love a broken man. Women love playing Captain Save a Man! Women think their love can mend a man’s broken heart and she is “the one” who can make a sleeping dog lie down in her bed and only her bed. That is another blog! Not tonight J.
But going back to my conversation with Miss D, after I had explained to her about my past with men, she said to me, “Either you know how to be in a relationship, or you don’t.” And, sadly enough, these men did not – and neither did I at that time.
You see, I was abandoned by my abuser. As a child, abandonment does not only apply to your parents. After years of being sexually molested by my uncle, I began to feel that he loved me. Don’t judge me if you have never been abused. At that time, I did not know it was abuse. I was five freaking years old!!! I just knew he wanted me. And when I became too old for him, he went on to other children. I felt abandoned and unwanted. (No one in my family knew I was feeling this or what I was going through.) So I began to seek any man’s attention, just for that feeling of being wanted again.
Do you see the pattern here? I began to attract the very thing that I was, even in my adult years. I was abandoned and thus I attracted men who had abandonment issues.
Whew, I wish I had time to dig into that statement a little more, but then you would be here all night reading my blog!
So let me just skip to the point: our childhood shapes our adulthood, but it does not have to shape our future.
The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:11, “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”
When we become of age where we are in tuned with our core (heart), we understand life a little bit better. We understand why we do the things we do. And at that pivotal aha moment, we then decide to either do something about it or continue in the same vein getting the same results. Ultimately, it is our choice, but everyone around us will feel the consequence(s).
One of the greatest and most profound women who ever walked this earth once said:
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” – Maya Angelou