Last night, I learned that my cousin’s wife (Angela) is an avid The Walking Dead fan! She’s hooked on that show, and has seen every episode. But I’ve never seen it before so I decided to watch it with her. Can I say that I’m hooked now?!?! Just being around Angela’s enthusiasm while watching the show made it even more entertaining. I mean, you have the dead people walking around trying to feed from the living and the living killing the dead while trying to survive. But those who are living are lifeless because they’ve lost so much in the process – loved ones were either killed or turned into the walking dead. The storyline is interesting and I was on the edge of my seat. Last night was a great episode and I can’t wait to watch next week. Until then and before then, I have to watch the old episodes from the beginning to get caught up (strict instructions from Angela!).
So after the show went off, because none of us could talk during the show, we had a family discussion. I kept saying how the living just looked so depressed; and the dead had no “smarts”. Then Terrance, my cousin, says, “Pain don’t even hurt no more.” My eyes shot wide open and I sat straight up in my seat. I moved so quickly that both of my cousins were startled and looked at me like “what?” LOL … he had no idea of the message and the power of that message he just spoke in the atmosphere! Immediately, I grabbed my computer and started typing notes for this blog.
Can you imagine hurting so badly that you are actually numb to the pain? That you can no longer feel the pain? You are going through life on auto-pilot. You show up to work every day; life as usual. But mentally, you are not there. You are trapped in a world of pain. And you are all alone – because pain makes you feel that you are all alone and no one understands what you’re going through.
Yes, I’ve been there. I’ve had two moments in my life where I glided through on auto-pilot. The pain was so unbearable that I became numb and I didn’t care if I lived or died. I actually prayed and asked God to not let me wake up in the morning; then I would wake up and think, “DAMN”. Yeah, I was the walking dead. I was lifeless, though I continued to live. I went to work every day; came home and cooked dinner for my then husband and kids; washed clothes, cleaned the house, went to church – all dead. I didn’t understand why or how. But that was the first time I began to recall the events of my childhood when my uncle violated my trust. Accepting what happened and dealing with the aftermath was unbearable. That’s the only adjective that keeps coming to mind when I think about that time. I was in a great deal of pain. I began to journal then too, and the journal led to a book five years later. I just published it last year on my birthday (link on my About Me page).
The second time was last year when my daughter poured bleach in my coffee creamer. I pissed her off so badly that she tried to poison me. She was then incarcerated and thus began the road we are currently on to recovery. I had my own child incarcerated and then institutionalized. It was for the safety of the both of us, but ultimately to get the help my daughter so desperately needs. Now THAT pain is indescribable. Please understand my daughter’s decision was not an overnight impromptu thing. I understood that the moment I tasted the bleach. I understood something was wrong but had known this for years. I just thought I could fix it; I could fix her. How many parents think they can love their kids so much that all of the “bad” things or habits will eventually fade away? The pain of feeling that I failed my daughter as her parent (I am a single parent); the pain of feeling that our relationship will never be what I dreamt it would be since I carried her in my body; the pain of feeling lost and confused – why would God allow this to happen; the pain of feeling hopeless that I can’t help her; the pain of not having her in the home or not feeling safe when I’m in her presence. Yeah, last year, in the midst of publishing my book about my past, I was the walking dead of the present. Tears fill my eyes at this very moment as I type; just thinking about how numb I was and the pain just didn’t hurt any more. It sounds weird doesn’t it? I’m in so much pain and it doesn’t hurt. But it’s the truth. I was the walking dead among the living.
What got me through those two moments was love – in its purest form. The first time God used my then husband and close friend to love me through it. The second time God spoke to me directly and HE loved me through it (still using my ex-husband and close friend as well, plus a few extras). Now, let me break down love. This love doesn’t judge, or beat up, or play the guilt-trip game. It doesn’t say one thing and do something completely different. It doesn’t disappear for moments at a time. It’s constant, consistent, and continuous – yes, I know all three words have the same meaning! Get my point? You can cry, laugh, scream, curse, throw things … freely express yourself without feeling condemned. This love is rarely found in common folks. It takes a special individual to carry this weight. But they are out there. They are God-sent and equipped. And they are the living amongst the dead.