If I leave this earth tonight, what do I want people to remember about me? What would be my legacy?
Confession time: I haven’t always been so nice to people, particularly men. I have intentionally mishandled and mistreated so many men that I am afraid they will eventually come out of the woods (or wherever they have been hiding) to sell their story to TMZ about those dark moments when and how I dumped them!
That was then. That young lady back then was in survival mode. She had been raped, abused, cast away, shamed, and made a mockery of by so many men prior to her coming of age that her only goal in life at that time was to “get them before they get me”. Even as I think back on those days while writing this blog post, tears fill my eyes. I am still emotionally connected to that young lady. Her hurt. Her pain. She was beautiful on the outside, but she was so damaged on the inside. And men were the perpetrators of her pain. So she built a thick protective wall around her heart. Though she wanted to be loved, she was too fearful of being hurt. The idea of love became her sacrificial lamb. All because of fear of being hurt like that kind of hurt again.
Until one day, she said, “enough is enough.” And at the age of thirty, she became me. I was ready to release that strong hold and walk in freedom. Freedom from my past. Freedom from hurt and pain. And most of all, freedom from being afraid. So I began to put in the work. I sought out a Christian counselor, whom I still visit today. I needed someone whom I could bare my soul to but also had the same belief system as I had been taught by my mother. I believed in God, but God and I had been on a breakup for quite some time. You see, I was the queen of cutting people out of my life when they got too close to me. There was still the issue of that “wall” I built in my early teens. But I was faithful to my journey to freedom. So I kept pushing, I kept working, I kept moving … the journey continues.
So I ask again, if I leave this earth tonight, what do I want people to remember about me? What would be my legacy?
My answer: certainly not about that broken little hurt and abused girl that broke men’s hearts… but the woman with a big heart who would fight to the end of the earth so that the people she loves would know that they are loved. I want to tear down the walls of hate and build a sanctuary filled with love and inspiration. In my first book, It is Forbidden (short title), I quoted this statement that rings loudly in my ears tonight: Hurt brought me here, but love will carry me on.