A few weeks ago, I was involved in a serious road rage incident that ended up with an older Asian dude calling me the “N” word. For those of you who don’t know what that word is, it is an extremely racist word typically used towards the African American community from another race. I won’t type it out though. And in actuality, his exact words were, “that’s why you’re nothing but a n—–“. Needless to say, I wanted to kill his ass. Yes, I used the word “kill” because that’s exactly how I felt. I wanted to put my hands on his face, and rip his tongue out of his mouth with my bare hands. And I tried to get to him, but my sister put her entire body weight on me to hold me back. The level of anger I felt was uncontrollable and indescribable. I didn’t care that he was a man; that actually infused the rage. All I saw was red and I wanted to put my hands on his ass big time! I was only a few minutes shy from being on the six o’clock news in handcuffs and blood everywhere (his blood). And he said it again (twice), as if I didn’t hear him the first time. So because I couldn’t get to him, I was begging him to come to me, while my sister was holding me down. His punk ass, of course, got in his car and drove off.
When I calmed down, which took a minute to come back to reality, I was extremely disappointed in myself for allowing such ignorance to take me to that level of anger. A level I haven’t felt in years. A level I work consistently hard to avoid. But because I was exhausted from working long hours for 30 days straight, my defenses were down and he just picked the wrong damn time to display ignorance. I learned a few lessons from that moment but I had to purposely wait until I was able to blog about it without feeling the emotions of that day.
Lesson #1: No matter how many degrees I have (and I have two graduate degrees in Business Management); no matter how many books I publish (and I have one published and two on the way, the third and fourth in the making); no matter how successful I become; there will ALWAYS be some ignorant person out there in this world that will judge me simply from the color of my skin. Really, it was the “nothing but” that pissed me off. It wasn’t the “N” word per se, but when he said “nothing but”, that thing took me to a level of anger and all I wanted to do was go straight to violence. That was wrong on my part, I’ll admit. There’s a thin line between love and hate. There’s a thin line between being an accountable and responsible citizen to uncontrollable, raging murderer. And if it was not for my sister, I would’ve crossed that line that day. Am I proud of that? No. Because I was displaying the very ignorance of that word (and so was he). So I’m disappointed and embarrassed and hurt. I’ll deal with that within myself and move the hell on. That’s what I do. That’s the mature thing to do.
That dude didn’t know anything about me or the life I lived or the type of person I was or the hell I’ve been through and overcame. He didn’t know. He’s never seen me before. He’s never read my blog. He’s not in my social media circle. He doesn’t follow me on Twitter. All he saw in the parking lot of CVS was this little black woman talking back to him with a vicious tongue. Out of his anger, he took the opportunity to display and express his racist attitude, never mind and not caring about who was around. That was so sad. And I didn’t know what to call him back because I don’t know the racist term for Asians! I don’t know it. I don’t want to know it. I don’t ever want that word in my spirit. Because I’m not a racist. I’m prejudice against some things, but racist I am not. I don’t harbor hatred in my heart against different cultures or racial backgrounds. I rather embrace them because we all need love. But enough of that mushy stuff!
Lesson #2: I still have some work to do on me. My anger can really get out of control. I thought I was delivered from that angry demon, but obviously not. God showed me that I have to stay before Him about this one thing. In the Bible, Paul talked about having a thorn in his flesh. Something that he apparently struggled with all of his life. God never delivered him from that thorn, but rather told him that His (God’s) grace was sufficient. God’s Word is so powerful that I find strength in it every time I read it. So I wanted to share this passage with you because it keeps me before God during my weakest moments and this situation was one of them!
2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 King James Version
7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
Paul was saying, and so am I, that I can’t get caught up or get the big head. That in order for me to stay humble in all of my success, in all the things I am doing, I have to be reminded that I am nothing without God. This anger thing inside of me can only be contained through my relationship with God. Period.
Lesson #3: I have this aggression towards men that stems from my childhood. Seeing men beat on women. Being sexually abused by my then uncle. Growing up feeling that I will never allow another man to take advantage of me or become superior over me. All of those feelings cause me to rise up against a man. I will fight them. I will physically fight a man before a woman. Women … I could care less about. I will walk away from a fight from a woman. I feel they are beneath me in that respect, I’d rather not hit a woman (no offense ladies). But a man?? If a man challenges me, the lioness comes out and I’m ready to go to blows. I become a whole different person. And I know that is because of my childhood. I know that is because I spent most of my teen years physically battling my then stepfather (thank goodness he’s out of my life now). But the physical fights with that man hardened my heart against men. It’s hard for me to see the good ones because I was surrounded by bad ones for such a long time. I don’t trust men. And so you can only imagine how difficult it is for me to be in a relationship with one. I’m confrontational. I’m aggressive. I’m argumentative. I have to have the last word. I have to prove my case. I’m all over the place. But I also love with that same vigor. I love hard and deep. I’m one complicated individual. It will take a strong ass man to be able to handle me. Perhaps I’m not meant to be in a relationship. Perhaps I’m meant to be alone. Perhaps that’s the path God set out for me. Just like Paul in the Bible. Who knows.
Until that answer comes, I will continue on my path of bettering myself and this world. It takes one person to make a difference. And I strive to be that one.
So this one situation has taught me so much about how far I’ve come and how far I have to go, but that I cannot do it alone. I MUST continue to seek God and stay before Him with all of my weaknesses. For in my weakness, I am made strong through the love He has for me.
As far as finding true love for myself, if it happens, it happens. I’ll be shocked and in disbelief, LOL. But this ain’t no punk, men ….you better come correct like a mug!
Peace and blessings,