Earlier in May, I wrote a blog about my last suicide attempt. Please understand this was not an easy thing to discuss and reveal to the world. But, I am a writer and writing is my therapy. I deal with my feelings publicly to help others who may feel the same as I did. My life is a living example for everyone else. I accept my purpose now. I don’t agree with it, but I do accept it.
As I was searching for content for my 30-day blog content challenge, I stumbled across this blog and decided to “revisit” it as more of an update from almost six months later. How I went from wanting to end my life, to living the most purposeful life I have ever lived at this particular space in time.
Here’s the truth: I didn’t plan to make it through May 4, 2015. It was the day of court with my daughter. I had been to several court days over the past year and a half. I had been fighting the system in order for her to receive the necessary treatment to help her through this phase of her life, consequences from her own choices. Countless, long, dark nights of not sleeping, but crying. Countless unreturned emails, unreturned phone calls from the Department of Juvenile Justice and my daughter. Countless days wondering will she ever turn around, will she ever understand what’s she’s done, will she ever see the error of her ways, will she ever see how much I love her no matter what she does? Countless disappointments, let downs, being lied on, being talked about. All of these thoughts and feelings became overwhelming. They had been overwhelming and difficult for a long, consistent period of two years.
May 4, 2015, around midnight, I was emotionally drained. I was at my lowest. I was at my breaking point. Being disappointed at this process and the length it’s taking to make just an inch of progress. I was done. Yes, God told me in the very beginning that no matter what I see to trust Him. But how much longer??? Two years was a long time to say the same thing over and over again. But God’s Word was the only thing I had. And I was starting to doubt that.
I wanted so badly for all of this pain to end. I felt lonely. Even with my family, friends, faithful support system … yep, all of them, I felt lonely and unloved. Not unloved by them, but by my daughter. That’s the love I sought after. That’s the love I sought for her to see and feel and understand. But the pain between the both of us is so great that it’s hard to see and feel love. After sitting in court and reading the court papers and listening to my daughter, whom I fought tooth and nail for all of her life, say that she has no desire to develop a relationship with me. Why am I here? Why am I fighting? She doesn’t want me in her life. I became saddened and hopeless. And these feelings come after every single court day. I go to court to be stabbed in the same place in my heart every single time.
If you’ve been following my journey, you would know that I’ve been on a mission to do whatever my daughter needs to help her find her way to whatever it is she’s looking for at this moment. The hard part is I don’t even know what she wants! I was hoping family therapy would help us mend our broken relationship, but she declined family therapy. So now what the hell am I to do? I was at a very confused, lowly, unappreciated, unwanted state of mind. All of the blogging, all of the speaking, all of the helping others… all for nothing. And I’m still empty inside. How much can one person take?? How much more do I have to feel this pain?? My heart constantly aches and I still have to keep on working to pay the bills. I have to keep on living. I have to keep on keeping on. I was so tired. So I wanted it to end. May 4, 2015, I wanted to never wake up again.
The tears were flowing rapidly. I was all alone in my garage. I took two handfuls of sleeping pills and a narcotic with a glass of red wine. Just wanted to die. I felt so helpless. Nothing I did worked, it only made things worse. My love for my daughter is indescribable. She’s my everything and to see her in so much pain and not be able to help her or fix it … that is unbearable. But that was and continues to be my reality.
So I didn’t expect to wake up. But God had other plans. He woke me up the next morning at the same time I’ve always opened my eyes, except this time I was renewed. I can’t explain it. I was still hurt. I was still disappointed. I was still in a place of unknown but very familiar territory (I’ve been in this place for a couple of years). When I opened my eyes, God spoke these words, “If you die now, you will not see my promise.”
At that very moment, I knew without a doubt that God is faithful to His promise to me! He said He was going to do a new thing in my daughter, and I believe Him. And He wants me to WITNESS THIS MIRACLE!! I cannot get caught up in her present behavior. And I’ve made up my mind in that moment my eyes opened and I realized I was still here, that I could never go back to that dark place ever again. God has a plan for my life and that was the moment I understood – yeah, I knew it before but I didn’t really know like I know now.
Still in my bed, I began to weep but my cry changed from sadness to worship. I asked God to forgive me for trying to kill myself. I asked God to forgive me for doubting His Word and His promise over my life and my family’s life.
I then spent the next week intentionally working on self-development. Worked on my mind. Worked on my spirit. Worked on me. I have to be what my daughter needs when she’s in the place to receive it. She may not want it now, but she will. We will be reunited and that reunion is going to be great and grand and unbreakable – and through that reunion, others will be saved. All for the glory of God. It’s about servitude.
My sacrificial lamb is servitude. I am alive to serve you. I have been saved from myself and from the pain of my past, for you. The “you” who are reading this post. Others started to read but left after the first paragraph. But you continued to read. Why, because something I have said has resonated with you or may resonate with someone you know. Someone wants to know the secret to survival. It’s not really a secret, per se, but rather a lifestyle. Faith.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Never give up!