Okay. Confession time. I have to be 100% transparent with you. Why? Because I suck at lying. It’s not in my makeup. Not how I roll. So here goes: I am in a very dark place right now. I am in a moment of vulnerability. I am hurt. I am trying to kick it. I am trying to fight it. I am trying to push through it. It is heavy. It is overwhelming. It sometimes feel like I’m drowning in it. One thing about me is that I am honest with myself. I know where I am. I know how I got here. I know how long I’ve been here. In this particular space, almost three years. The same painful place that is dark. Dark because I cannot see the light. Dark because I cannot see the end. Dark because I do not know when it’s going to turn around. So I just accept it. I accept that it hurts. I accept that it’s my “now”. I accept that it’s not my “end”. And I accept that God has it all under control. So even with my broken heart, I will trust Him.
But let me tell you, honey chile, right now I need His HELP! Yes, I am having a break down moment. I have them periodically. And in those moments, I usually hide behind closed doors, in a dark room, and cry my heart out. I know that I need HELP. Not the help of man. Not the help of a doctor. Not even the help of a friend. None of them can give me what I need. I need HELP. I need strength. I need God’s will to live. I need my Father. My comforter. My healer. My source. My resource. My God.
Some days are OK. Some days are like this. Where I am fighting tooth and nail to stop crying. I still have to go in to the office. I still have to work. I still have to go through the motions of life. Everyone that I work with on a daily basis can tell that something is off. I told you that I’m not a very good liar. It shows in my face. So people know I’m not my normal self. But they also know to give me space. And for those newbies who still try to pry, they learn very quickly to walk away. That I am very honest about: just give me a little room, I’ll be fine. Keep it moving.
You see, over the past couple of years, I’ve learned to master the art of me. I’ve learned to manage the good days to prepare for the dark days. I know they are coming. It’s part of the journey of healing. Not every day will be glitz and glory. Not every day will be sunshine and roses, or rainbows and hearts. So I’ve learned to store up my faith in the good days to carry me over through the dark ones.
Some of you may never understand what I just said. And that’s fine. But for those who know pain as well as I do, you get it. You learn to take it one moment at a time because thinking about it one day at a time is too much. You can only think and handle a “moment”. You probably thought that you were alone in that feeling. You probably thought no one understood you. That is why I’m blogging while I’m hurt. Because the moment you give voice to that pain, the moment you share what you are going through … that is the moment others begin to share and raise their hands and say “me too”!! Then you realize that even though you’re in a dark place, when a little light comes through, you will see that there are others on that road with you. And you are not alone. And it makes the journey that much easier.
So I confess, I need God’s HELP right now. I need Him every day. But right now, I need Him urgently! And the good thing about it is, He always shows up. The end.
P.S. When I’m going through my dark moments, I listen to Erica Campbell’s single, Help, over and over again. Enjoy her video!