Every time I get undressed, I am reminded of my stretch marks.

I hated them because I didn’t have the proper prospective.

Now I do.

They are my lioness marks.

I am a lioness.

I bore four cubs with this human body.

My stomach and breasts stretched to capacity.

Growing and grooming a baby human for nine intense months.

I earned my marks.

I almost died twice during childbirth.

Going to war to bring a world changer forth.

When I look in the mirror and see my marks.

I am reminded of the life that came into this world.

To make a difference!

 

I am sitting here looking at myself in the mirror.

I am definitely not proud of what I see.

I have gained weight.

I cant fit into my size 6 pants anymore.

I am now in a size 12.

I want to cry.

But what is crying going to do.

I have put on pounds.

Pounds from the depression.

Eating to comfort myself.

Eating unhealthy choices.

Sometimes only eating once a day.

So that what I see is not me.

That is an unhealthy depressed version of me.

I see all the fit people on Instagram.

But even that does not motivate me to get fit.

What is my motivation?

Do I want to keep making the same choices?

And end up with all types of health issues.

Or do I want to fight for my life because it matters.

I choose the latter.

 

 

I never in a million years thought that I would be listening and playing a Kanye West record in my home or vehicle. I been following Kanye since the Kanye Sunday Services started and to see him surrender to Christ brings me so much joy. I saw the headlines and the spiral down that his life was taking in the media the last few years but I knew there were people who were praying for him. When he talks about Jesus, his eyes light up and his smile stretches for days. There are many skeptics but they don’t really matter when he is the one living out his own salvation. They will have to grab a seat at the table and watch up close or from afar because Kanye is on a mission for Christ.

Musically this man is a GENIUS! The bars, beats, musical arrangements are beyond what I ever expected. No wonder so many loved him in the secular arena. This man is a bona fide rapper but now he raps for Christ. I am so honored that I get to hear this music from him and it brings such a beautiful sound into the body of Christ. To be honest, I never listened to rap music until now. I am so serious. I mean I listened to a few of Lecrae’s songs but there is definitely something special about Kanye West. He has a gift that will bring many people to know and lift up the name of Jesus Christ. He will reach people that others can’t.

Jesus Is King is fire! Every song is a hit! My favorite song is GOD IS. That is my jam. I play it over and over!! Play his entire album in your home, riding down the freeway, or working out at the gym. You will not be disappointed! If you are like me once you listen to it you will become a fan of rap. But not just any rap, Christian Rap. To see this all unfold before our eyes is history in the making. Maybe even revival. Jesus can do the impossible and He changed Kanye’s heart. Nothing is too hard for GOD!!!! If God can do it for Kanye then He also can do it for you or your love one. The Angels are rejoicing and Kanye is God’s son!!!

My black has cracked.

Cracked from the pain and suffering.

Of the color of my skin.

Arrows of hate and racism.

Pierces my heart.

My black is bleeding.

Bleeding from injustice.

Bullets of rage.

Loaded in a gun.

All because my skin.

My black skin.

It bothers many.

If you were to see.

My skin is cracked.

Needing healing from all the scars.

Scars from slavery.

Scars from segregation.

Scars from a nation that does not fight for us.

Scars that sees my black skin as an immediate threat.

How much more can one take!

If you see me then you see my skin.

My black skin.

Cracked because of your lies.

 

 

I been fighting.

Fighting for a very long time.

To the point of exhaustion.

Fighting lies.

Lies that are perceived as truth.

Fighting for my identity.

Fighting against my identity.

Fighting for love.

Fighting against love.

Fighting for joy.

Fighting against joy.

Fighting for hope.

Fighting against hope.

Fighting for peace.

Fighting against peace.

Fighting nonetheless.

This civil war.

Where I have been drowning.

Drowning in my own blood, sweat and tears.

Suffocating in the chaos of it all.

All while a world is going on.

Outside my mind.

But I am here.

On this battlefield.

Fighting against myself.

This place has been my home.

Home since I was a child.

I entered this place to escape.

Escape from the abuse.

Now I am girl child.

Living in a grown woman’s body.

Still fighting.

Still bleeding.

Still hurting.

Wanting to be so deeply loved.

But too blind to see it.

And embrace it.

So I am here.

A casualty of my own war.

 

 

How can GOD do a new thing within our lives,

If we are still holding on to the old thing.

It is easy to hold on to the familiar

Because that’s what is comfortable

Even if it is not right for us.

We don’t realize that we are fighting,

Fighting against our own prayers.

Praying for breakthrough

But still holding on to the very thing delaying the breakthrough.

What is the antidote?

FAITH.

Faith to trust GOD

And allow GOD to be GOD.

Stop leaning on our own understanding,

And step into His.

Divorce every lie

And believe truth.

Truth is Christ.

He came to give us life

but we want to hold on to death.

It is time for a new normal.

Either we believe Him or we don’t.

Fear has no place in our space.

Pray.

Pray for wisdom to know the direction.

Pray for strength and courage to walk it out.

It is time.

Time for us to turn the chapter to A NEW THING.

Do it even if we are afraid.

Just knowing that Christ is beside us

Is enough.

 

 

 

This weekend I was helping my children put their beds together and for some odd reason, I was having trouble putting the rails together. I never had this problem before and so I became quite frustrated. I was very irritated that it was taking me a long amount of time to get this bed together. I remember telling my daughter that by the third time, which had already taken us about 30 minutes, that I was just going to throw them in the trash. Well, the third time did not work as well. So I sat there on the floor of my children’s bedroom contemplating on throwing them away but something happened.

It was on my heart, TO NOT GIVE UP! Out of nowhere I had this strength to reassess the conflict that was taking up so much time of my day. In that moment, I had to relax and exhale the frustrations that was bottled in my mind. I kept feeling to LOOK AGAIN. I began to look again at the makeup of the rail. I stared at the rail for a good minute or two until I was able to see what I didn’t see before. I recognized the reason why the previous attempts did not work. AH HA!!!! The light bulb in my mind turned on and I immediately began to fix the problem. And just like that, what took me 30 minutes or more, took me every bit of 5 minutes.

I am sharing this story because there is a message here for you and me. This message is for those of us who have given up on our dreams, books, songs, ideas, business, ministry, people, and so forth that God has given to us specifically. I believe we have abandoned and or rejected the very thing that God has placed in our lives to bless us. We are upset with GOD because we are tired of praying and waiting on the things we prayed for to manifest in our lives. But for some of us, I believe GOD is telling us to look again. Look at what Jesus has given us through His lenses and not our own. We are sitting on a gold mine and we simply don’t know it. We are right at the point of breakthrough but the delay is on us because we have become frustrated and threw it away. We need to take what God has given us and take it out the trash. Now, some things belong in the trash, but not your dreams that are designed by God.

Today, my fellow readers, I ask that you LOOK AGAIN!

This morning I was laying quietly on my bed.

Then I heard, “UNBELIEF.”

I immediately said, LORD HELP MY UNBELIEF!

But I feel as though this was directed on a much larger scale.

THE CHURCH.

I been thinking a lot lately about the miracles, signs, and wonders.

Those things only follow those who believe!!!!

But why are we not seeing the miracles, signs, and wonders?!?!

One word: UNBELIEF.

Unbelief stops the flow and move of GOD in any believer’s life.

Unbelief says to GOD, I DONT TRUST YOU!

WOW!!!

Where there is unbelief there is NO FAITH!

The word of GOD clearly states, WITHOUT FAITH IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE GOD!

Unbelief boils down to PRIDE!

YIKES!!!

Unbelief says that you trust your own way instead of GODS WAY.

Unbelief is dangerous especially in a believer’s life.

Lord help your people, THE CHURCH to believe you again!

In every area of their lives so they can walk in the fullness of you.

Amen.

 

Broken = Damaged or no longer in working order

Other words for “Broken” are shattered, fragmented, and/or crushed.

As I sit here in practically tears, I cant help but wonder is that the condition of my precious heart?

I believe it to be so, and here is why!

My heart has been drugged through the muddy waters of life.

A childhood of trauma and abuse, sexual and physcial.

Teenage years of promiscuity, can we say unhealthy soul ties formed! Yikes!!!

As an adult, broken relationships such as divorce, insert broken heart emoji, homelessness, making wrong choices off of temporary feelings, isolating myself from family and friends bc of the towers/strongholds I have built in my heart.

There is more to this story but I will stop right here.

Can you relate?

Are you broken in any area of your life?

I understand that in order for healing to begin we must recognize that there is a problem.

My name is Nicky and my heart is broken, or should I say in my case, shattered into pieces.

No wonder why I feel fragmented, all over the place.

I been running.

Running from what matters most, JESUS.

I have tried everything to fix my brokenness.

But nothing or no one has worked.

I am exhausted from the heaviness of this blanket of oppression.

How do I let Jesus into an out of service heart?!?!

Well, one thing for sure is that His word remains the same.

So, I started back reading His word so that His light can push all the darkness in my life away.

The bible says that He is close to the brokenhearted and I hope with everything within me that He is close to me right now even in my mess.

People glorify brokenness like that is some prerequisite and requisite to being a believer, but I want to glorify wholeness bc in Jesus you can be whole.

They say the road to healing is very necessary and at times extremely hard but so worth it in the end.

So today, I choose the road to healing.

Jesus and therapy it is!!!!

 

You are invited.

To the funeral.

Here lies.

The death.

Of the past.

The death.

Of what was.

The death.

Of yesterday.

The death.

Of the lies.

The death.

Of the shame.

The death.

Of the anguish.

The death.

Of the unshakeable pain.

The death.

Of the abuse.

The death.

Of the trauma.

The death

Of the torment.

The death.

Of the recurring nightmare.

The death.

Of the darkness.

The death.

Of the anger.

The death.

Of the bitterness.

The death.

Of the old me.

Cry.

But don’t weep too long.

Because a new life begins.

A life of hope, peace, and love.

A new identity.

Formed in the master’s hand.

Death is not the end.

It is just the beginning!!!