(Singing) “Be encouraged, no matter what’s going on. He’ll make it all right, but you gotta stay strong.”
Sigh. Having a mental day. I still get them every now and then when I intensely and overwhelmingly miss my daughter. She’s been away for quite some time now. Some days, I’m OK and coping with reality is easier. I have developed a busy schedule to keep my mind focused on positivity, not sitting in an idol state of mind thinking about what could’ve have been or what should’ve been. That only leads to despair, hopelessness, sadness and all the words alike. So I try not to sit idle. But I am human and I am a mother who yearns deeply for that mother-daughter connection we once shared. And today is one of those days that I am overwhelmed with despondency. It’s usually connected to another relationship that provokes the pain. You see, please understand that the mother in me doesn’t stop being a mother just because my child is no longer in the household physically. I’m still a mother. I’m still a nurturer. And something in me seeks out someone that allows me to do that. The problem is people easily take advantage of my “nurturing” and “loving” nature and I end up hurt or hurting again – it’s a vicious cycle that I just can’t seem to get out of!! The real problem is I’m missing my daughter, so I try to fill the void by seeking someone to nurture and take care of – usually an adult who is also dealing with some past hurts (see the cycle?). I tell myself if I can ease someone else’s pain, then mine won’t hurt as bad.
So today is a very emotional day for me and I have to put in the work to restore my mental health. Coincidentally, today is also Earth day!!! How funny is that? A day set aside for supporting environmental protection. That makes me chuckle.
So the song that is on repeat for me today is Be Encouraged (video attached if you need to be encouraged as well). I do not know where my child lays her head every night. I do not know if she’s OK. I do not know if she is safe. I do not know where she is mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I do not know. But I have to trust that God will restore, heal and deliver. My feelings of hopelessness are unreliable, so the only reliable, stable thing I have to depend on is God’s Word. So here goes.
1 Corinthians 15:58 [Holy Bible, King James Version]
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.
Hebrews 13:5 [Holy Bible, King James Version]
Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 [Holy Bible, King James Version]
16 For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; 18 While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.
Psalm 91:1 [Holy Bible, King James Version]
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I cried most of today, while at work, in my office, door closed, in between meetings, on the drive home, in my garage, while I’m blogging. My sufferings are often silent. I don’t talk much. I put pen to paper and share with the world – again, if I can just help someone else, I’ve helped myself. And after listening to this song all day, over and over and over again (it’s my mental that I’m feeding), and then reading God’s Word … my tears of sadness are a little lighter … the hopelessness begins to fade … and then there’s a covering of peace that hovers over me. It’s hard to explain or even describe without using the word “feeling”. It’s more of a “knowing”. The moral of the story is I am standing on God’s promise.