Have you ever cried so much that you had no more tears left? Have you ever felt so much emotional pain that you became numb all over? As if the pain just swallowed you up whole? And during those moments you thought that perhaps this is as worse as it can get? But then something else happens that proves you to be a lie. It gets worse. It gets harder. And the tears resurface.
I have been going through an extremely difficult and challenging journey with my 19-year-old daughter. I see her making choices that endanger not only herself, but others. And the consequences of her actions is damaging to her future. Yet, there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
So I sit on the sidelines, in extreme pain, feeling helpless. Like I am watching a horror movie. Many nights I have felt hopeless. I cry. A LOT. While going on with this thing called life because I have to pay the bills. The secret is I am on autopilot. I am numb and I am just moving around on autopilot.
Before everything happened, God told me that no matter what I “see”, trust Him. For almost three years, that has been all I had to hold on to. But I tell you, it has not been easy! Because what I see just gets worse and worse! Her behavior does not look at all like her upbringing. She took rebellion to a whole new level! She is a strange child that I do not recognize. And that hurts like hell.
Today I ran across a picture on social media… not looking for the picture… I guess the picture found me. It was a picture of my underage daughter performing an illegal act– one that could be detrimental to her freedom. As if being incarcerated is her goal in life!
I blinked hard as if my vision would change and it would not be my daughter, who shaved her head, so again, I cannot recognize this person who has my name. Nope, my eyes do not deceive me… it is her. On the world wide web. Looking FOOLISH!!! Damn.
I shake my head and brace myself for the tears. That’s what happened every time I discovered yet another lewd behavior from this stranger with my name. My mind has become accustomed to this lifestyle of pain and disappointment! Constantly asking God when will my baby return? When will this pain end? When will she receive the help she so desperately needs, or better yet, when will she take this seriously?
But this time, no tears. I felt numb. I felt nothing. Don’t get me wrong, my heart still aches. But no more or no less than usual. I felt nothing. I am all cried out.
I guess this is what it means to have faith in God’s promise to me. He’s keeping me. And, though it may not look like it with the natural eye, He’s keeping my daughter as well. He promised me. And I believe Him. So though I may cry sometimes, it won’t be because of that anymore. For that particular thing, I am all cried out. #next