A Letter To Myself

A Letter To Myself

A Letter To Myself

Jai Emotional Support, Faith, God, Happiness, Life, Love, Motherhood, Overcoming Challenges, Pain, Survivor

Dear Jamie,

I am so proud of you!!! You’ve gone through so much over the course of your life, yet you still find a way to keep going. No matter how hard it gets, and it damn sho gets hard, you press forward.

Oftentimes, I wonder why you don’t quit? Why you don’t listen to those voices in your head that tells you to end it all, it won’t get any better, no one will miss you… why you don’t take the action of overdosing on pain meds, or slitting your wrists and bleed out?

These thoughts come and you entertain them for a quick minute, then you cry. I guess that’s your way of releasing the pain?

Sometimes I don’t even know how you get out of bed every morning. But you refuse to quit!! Where did you get that tenacity from? Where did you get that resilience from? Was it embodied in your soul by the women who came before you? The women in your lineage that you watch endure pain and suffering for years. The women who exhibited a level of faith you couldn’t understand when you were younger. Hmmm, where did you get your strength. I know it’s not easy. It’s never been easy.

****

I know what really pains you. I know what really eats you up inside. It’s the relationship with your one and only daughter. The memories you have of her. How you used to be able to look at her and see her innocence and beauty. Now you see nothing. You don’t even recognize her. You feel like you don’t even know her at all anymore. All of these years of separation has really done a number on your heart. The pain is indescribable and unbearable at times. I know what really pains you. But you keep pushing forward.

Yet, through it all, you still believe God’s promise to heal the brokenness in your relationship.

Why is it, still, after four years, a challenge to believe you are a good mother? The pain of that thought haunts you every now and then. Especially now, when it’s Mother’s Day and your daughter’s 21st birthday. This weekend is so tempting to hide in the house, close the curtains, complete darkness, and cry all day. That’s what you’ve done for the past four years. Hide. Hide from the world. Soak in your pain. Wrap yourself in the comfort of depression, depletion, emptiness, hopelessness. For four years.

But this year, you can’t. You can’t hide. You can’t soak in your pain. I give you permission to cry and release, but you have to be strong. You have to be strong for the family who’s watching you. You can’t let those who follow you, who trust you, who depend on you, see you lose control. There are people who depend on you to be the positive, perky, affirmation-giving, upbeat woman of the house. So, Jamie, you got this! Pain will not win this year. Depression will not sink in this year. No time for that. So get through one moment at a time. No expectations, then no disappointments. One. Moment. At. A. Time.

****

Through it all… the failed relationships, the lost friendships, being misunderstood, being judged and criticized and talked about behind your back, being called damaged goods, being told you spend too much time giving out free advice, being told you need to focus on this or that and not this or that… through it all.

Through the brokenness. Through the unknown of when and how God is going to fulfill His promise. Through the quoting of Biblical scriptures and practicing self-grace. Through the mirror reflection of bravery, strength, and courage. There is a smile. That smile that lights the very souls of the watchers. The bystander who just needed to see the light that exudes from you when you pass by. The love that you so willingly give to the hurt and broken ones that come in your space. The love you thought you lost. All is not lost dear. Through it all.

You SHINE!! So keep shining my love. My dear Jamie. Keep shining! Keep being the authentic you. I love you deeply, intentionally, and emphatically!

Love you to LIFE,

Your Inner You

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